My thoughts on this quote.
The search term for that post: "jealousy"
Always a plague of this guy. Marsha Norman, the lyricist of "The Secret Garden", said it best, I think:
"When you see a man who's raging, and he's jealous, and he fears that you've walked through walls he's hidden behind for years..." Norman then continues on to say that you need to hold on to your steady path and move past that guy.
As an onlooker of those who don't appear to have to fight their very nature - specifically their own agency - just to stay on the path to Eternal joy, I find myself battling jealousy a great deal. I'm not proud of it. It is what it is. Thing is, when you get rebuked by a prophet for possessing it, it's a sin.
I feel a bit hypocrtical posting this after my introductory post on my other blog. I said that when I remember that my only label should be that I am a son of God, my perspective changes. That is true. My perspective does change. The feelings of loneliness and longing for some mortal friendship or companionship do not. I have a tendency to reach out to the wrong people. Alot of the time it's like I'm trying to rescue them from something -- a la Sarah Bareilles style (ie "King of Anything"). Then I deal with a lot of heartache when the sentiment isn't returned. Woh, epiphany moment.
"What does this have to do with jealousy" would be a pretty good question about now. I am jealous of people who aren't lonely. Point blank. I speak not of those who are surrounded by people but still feel lonely. I'm speaking of those people who managed to actually adapt well, develop good social skills and attractive appearances and relateable interests. I speak of those whose source of tests and trials in this life isn't facing it all without anyone - in this world - who cares.
The Eternal perspective really does make things clear. I don't deny that. However, even the prophets have spoken about the importance of friends in this life. The Lord's put opportunities in my path. And what happens? I give a little bit of trust and dip my toe in the pool, and just when it could be possible that I could have my chance to love or even simply be friends with somebody else, I lose all trust in myself and in the Lord to proceed. So, I turn and run. My patriarchal blessing sheds some light on this subject, though I won't share it here. My incapacity to love the way I desire to love others will be resolved at some point. All I know is that I have to work at it.
But I think the baby steps here simply are allowing myself to trust myself -- and other people -- enough to build friendships without simultaneously building the wall that shuts them out. You know, that wall that says, "someday you're going to hurt me. Someday you're going to write me off just like the others have. I can't let you inside this wall."
The abnormal baby steps involved, however, appear to the natural man to be reason enough for me just to give up altogether. Afterall, the adversary likes to tell his lies and my faith falters after the first couple confident steps. Then, like Peter walking on the stormy waves toward the Savior, exerting his faith in Him enough to take the first step, because there's no doubt he knew that the Savior had every bit of faith in Peter to succeed, I do the same, and, like him, MY confidence weakens. I find myself again being of "little faith," being asked "wherein did [I] not believe," as I see myself sinking even before it actually happens, and sure enough, upon my failure, I find a way to get "rescued." Then I just continue to look on rather than move on and we chalk one up for the father of lies. That is until I somehow find myself coming full circle, asking the Lord again for increased faith - "Lord, bid me come unto thee," and I give it another shot.
Afterall, God really does grant unto man according to his desires.
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