"My sensitivity to things didn't just go away. I managed it. Partly by detaching from things, by deciding not to invest myself emotionally in things that I thought might bring me pain." These words, spoken by a wise young man in the midst of deep arduous introspection, perhaps externally induced yet undoubtably genuine, shook me to my very center when I first heard them, leaving this grown man in a blubbering mess of tears.
I experienced a true-blue-through-and-though-died-in-the-wool-bona fide heartache for days on end following my exposure to his deduction, as I realized that this 20 year old kid had articulated the very essence of this broken man.
You see, every day, I go about the routine. I go to the office, smile and say hi to those I pass in the halls, sit alone at my desk, my eyes fixed on my monitor. I go solo to lunch everyday. Then I come home, isolate myself in my chamber, buried in either a TV show, movie, or computer project. It seemed like an ok life, until I realized just how numb I had become to things that most would argue are important for a life of joy.
Further deep self-exploration, culminating from this broken heart, brought about some conclusions:
1) The things I have "blamed" over the years, including social rejection, economic status, sins and poor decisions, had in very fact allowed me to be "led carefully" by a strong -- and very real -- adversary to a very real hell - a seperation from that Spirit whose companionship I had enjoyed for some of my life as it had been promised to me all those years ago, but whose presence had more recently become scarce at best.
Sure, I would go through many of the motions of being "good", but with no relationship with the source of the Fruits of the Spirit, it was really quite easy to set down my cross and rest awhile, which resulted in self-destructive behaviors that only drove that wedge deeper and, of course, separated me further.
2) Feelings of rejection and loneliness, though ever present, were numbed to a large extent because it's been ages since I've been willing to invest myself in ANY inter-personal relationships.
The worst of those abandoned relationships - that with my Savior - resulted in my dropping my cross long ago as I had given up hope that the healing and changes in my life for which I've sought for decades would ever come. At times I would invest just a dusting of faith, and when that wasn't enough, I would turn and run.
Then I'd ask questions like, "who invests in a losing opportunity?"
3) Self-hatred is a very real tool of the adversary. I had been assigning labels to myself. The verb "am" is a very dangerous one in the English language. "I'm a recluse" "I'm boring" "I'm fat" "I'm a sinner". Once the adversary has me hating one of God's divine creations, he's got the upper hand.
So then... The turnaround...
Hours of prayer, cups of tears shed, time spent in the Best books, has begun to bring about these realizations:
1) The ingredients of my mortality, the tests, the trials, the obstacles, are things that an all-knowing and all-loving Father in Heaven knew would be best for my preparations for Eternity.
2) In Alma chapter 7, verses 11&12, Alma uses the word "take" a lot in regard to the Savior's atonement for His family - for me. This "taking" implies a counter-action of "giving." Pure faith in Christ requires that I give Him that for which He paid the price in Gethsemane to take: the infirmites, the afflictions, the temptations, the sins, all of it. It's really not a fair deal. However, the way is simple. The adversary works hard at complicating things.
3) I've found that when I give myself only one label, it changes things. I am a son of God. I am a son of God who struggles with reaching out to people. I am a son of God who has opportunities to reach my Eternal potential through the things with which I was sent here to earth. "God loves broken things."
So why the blog?
I live a simple and, quite frankly, mundane life. I don't really ever have clever or interesting things to tell my few Facebook friends or - at present - my one human Twitter follower. As I'm now working on investing in my Eternity by changing my attitude, committing more than a mere dusting of Faith in the One who's going to make this all worth it, I've decided to reach out with a daily journal of profound - and perhaps simple - things stated by those under the influence of the Holy Ghost. I trust that the investment of my time to seek out those things is going to pay off some real dividends.
Who knows where this will lead. And, like I said in the description of this blog, even if I'm the only one who ever reads this thing, it'll still serve it's purpose.
By the way, Thanks, Sam.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
Clearing it out... it takes time
My thoughts on this quote.
The search term for that post: "jealousy"
Always a plague of this guy. Marsha Norman, the lyricist of "The Secret Garden", said it best, I think:
"When you see a man who's raging, and he's jealous, and he fears that you've walked through walls he's hidden behind for years..." Norman then continues on to say that you need to hold on to your steady path and move past that guy.
As an onlooker of those who don't appear to have to fight their very nature - specifically their own agency - just to stay on the path to Eternal joy, I find myself battling jealousy a great deal. I'm not proud of it. It is what it is. Thing is, when you get rebuked by a prophet for possessing it, it's a sin.
I feel a bit hypocrtical posting this after my introductory post on my other blog. I said that when I remember that my only label should be that I am a son of God, my perspective changes. That is true. My perspective does change. The feelings of loneliness and longing for some mortal friendship or companionship do not. I have a tendency to reach out to the wrong people. Alot of the time it's like I'm trying to rescue them from something -- a la Sarah Bareilles style (ie "King of Anything"). Then I deal with a lot of heartache when the sentiment isn't returned. Woh, epiphany moment.
"What does this have to do with jealousy" would be a pretty good question about now. I am jealous of people who aren't lonely. Point blank. I speak not of those who are surrounded by people but still feel lonely. I'm speaking of those people who managed to actually adapt well, develop good social skills and attractive appearances and relateable interests. I speak of those whose source of tests and trials in this life isn't facing it all without anyone - in this world - who cares.
The Eternal perspective really does make things clear. I don't deny that. However, even the prophets have spoken about the importance of friends in this life. The Lord's put opportunities in my path. And what happens? I give a little bit of trust and dip my toe in the pool, and just when it could be possible that I could have my chance to love or even simply be friends with somebody else, I lose all trust in myself and in the Lord to proceed. So, I turn and run. My patriarchal blessing sheds some light on this subject, though I won't share it here. My incapacity to love the way I desire to love others will be resolved at some point. All I know is that I have to work at it.
But I think the baby steps here simply are allowing myself to trust myself -- and other people -- enough to build friendships without simultaneously building the wall that shuts them out. You know, that wall that says, "someday you're going to hurt me. Someday you're going to write me off just like the others have. I can't let you inside this wall."
The abnormal baby steps involved, however, appear to the natural man to be reason enough for me just to give up altogether. Afterall, the adversary likes to tell his lies and my faith falters after the first couple confident steps. Then, like Peter walking on the stormy waves toward the Savior, exerting his faith in Him enough to take the first step, because there's no doubt he knew that the Savior had every bit of faith in Peter to succeed, I do the same, and, like him, MY confidence weakens. I find myself again being of "little faith," being asked "wherein did [I] not believe," as I see myself sinking even before it actually happens, and sure enough, upon my failure, I find a way to get "rescued." Then I just continue to look on rather than move on and we chalk one up for the father of lies. That is until I somehow find myself coming full circle, asking the Lord again for increased faith - "Lord, bid me come unto thee," and I give it another shot.
Afterall, God really does grant unto man according to his desires.
The search term for that post: "jealousy"
Always a plague of this guy. Marsha Norman, the lyricist of "The Secret Garden", said it best, I think:
"When you see a man who's raging, and he's jealous, and he fears that you've walked through walls he's hidden behind for years..." Norman then continues on to say that you need to hold on to your steady path and move past that guy.
As an onlooker of those who don't appear to have to fight their very nature - specifically their own agency - just to stay on the path to Eternal joy, I find myself battling jealousy a great deal. I'm not proud of it. It is what it is. Thing is, when you get rebuked by a prophet for possessing it, it's a sin.
I feel a bit hypocrtical posting this after my introductory post on my other blog. I said that when I remember that my only label should be that I am a son of God, my perspective changes. That is true. My perspective does change. The feelings of loneliness and longing for some mortal friendship or companionship do not. I have a tendency to reach out to the wrong people. Alot of the time it's like I'm trying to rescue them from something -- a la Sarah Bareilles style (ie "King of Anything"). Then I deal with a lot of heartache when the sentiment isn't returned. Woh, epiphany moment.
"What does this have to do with jealousy" would be a pretty good question about now. I am jealous of people who aren't lonely. Point blank. I speak not of those who are surrounded by people but still feel lonely. I'm speaking of those people who managed to actually adapt well, develop good social skills and attractive appearances and relateable interests. I speak of those whose source of tests and trials in this life isn't facing it all without anyone - in this world - who cares.
The Eternal perspective really does make things clear. I don't deny that. However, even the prophets have spoken about the importance of friends in this life. The Lord's put opportunities in my path. And what happens? I give a little bit of trust and dip my toe in the pool, and just when it could be possible that I could have my chance to love or even simply be friends with somebody else, I lose all trust in myself and in the Lord to proceed. So, I turn and run. My patriarchal blessing sheds some light on this subject, though I won't share it here. My incapacity to love the way I desire to love others will be resolved at some point. All I know is that I have to work at it.
But I think the baby steps here simply are allowing myself to trust myself -- and other people -- enough to build friendships without simultaneously building the wall that shuts them out. You know, that wall that says, "someday you're going to hurt me. Someday you're going to write me off just like the others have. I can't let you inside this wall."
The abnormal baby steps involved, however, appear to the natural man to be reason enough for me just to give up altogether. Afterall, the adversary likes to tell his lies and my faith falters after the first couple confident steps. Then, like Peter walking on the stormy waves toward the Savior, exerting his faith in Him enough to take the first step, because there's no doubt he knew that the Savior had every bit of faith in Peter to succeed, I do the same, and, like him, MY confidence weakens. I find myself again being of "little faith," being asked "wherein did [I] not believe," as I see myself sinking even before it actually happens, and sure enough, upon my failure, I find a way to get "rescued." Then I just continue to look on rather than move on and we chalk one up for the father of lies. That is until I somehow find myself coming full circle, asking the Lord again for increased faith - "Lord, bid me come unto thee," and I give it another shot.
Afterall, God really does grant unto man according to his desires.
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